Enabling vs. Supporting Someone in Addiction Recovery | Do you have someone in your life who is addicted to drugs or alcohol? Supporting someone who’s either starting, approaching, or working through addiction recovery isn’t always easy. It’s tempting to fall back into the habit of enabling them instead.
Many people enable because they don’t recognize the difference between enabling and supporting a loved one. Because this is an experience that many people are having for the first time, they don’t have the background information to prepare them.
We’re here to offer some advice. Keep reading to learn all about the differences between enabling and supporting so you can help a loved one start to heal on their recovery journey.
What Is Enabling?
Enabling is tricky. When you enable a recovering addict, you let them know that their recovery may not be important because their previous behavior is acceptable.
You might not notice that you’re doing it. After all, enabling your loved one feels like showing them love and unconditional acceptance. In this case, acceptance has to be conditional in order to allow your loved one to heal.
Here are a few examples of enabling that might feel like supporting.
Ignoring or Betraying Boundaries
Many people aren’t aware of the importance of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t there to restrict your loved one. They exist to teach your loved one how you deserve to be treated.
Everyone has different boundaries. When it comes to a recovering addict, your boundaries may include not allowing drugs or alcohol inside the home, not engaging with your loved one when they’re under the influence, or not accepting bad or harmful behavior that they direct toward you.
Your loved one may also have boundaries. They may include not wanting you to use drugs or alcohol around them or not wanting you to patronize them through their recovery.
When you ignore your boundaries or betray your loved one’s boundaries, you’re harming rather than helping.
Becoming Enmeshed
One of the results of poor boundaries is enmeshment. When you’re enmeshed, it means that you’re so involved with the addict’s life that it becomes impossible to separate yourself and your needs from theirs.
Enmeshment results in codependency. You may find yourself feeling upset when they’re upset, causing you to further enable them to clear the tension.
Hyper-Focusing on Their Recovery
It’s good to pay attention to your loved one’s recovery (after all, that’s part of supporting them). That said, if you’re not focusing on yourself as well, you’re not helping.
Learning how to take care of yourself while you’re also taking care of them (on some level) is key. Remember, they’re responsible for themself. If you shoulder all of that responsibility instead, who’s taking care of you?
Take time away by yourself from time to time. Consider seeing a therapist or going to group support meetings for people with loved ones who are addicted to drugs or alcohol.
The better you take care of yourself, the better you’ll be able to offer support to someone else.
What Is Supporting?
As we mentioned, supporting a loved one and enabling a loved one often feel the same. Learning how to be supportive, however, will be good for both you and the recovering addict.
Support can often feel like creating limitations for your loved one, but in reality, you’re adding to their framework for their recovery. You’re showing them that you want them to get better even if it makes both of you uncomfortable.
Here are a few examples of behavior that’s supportive instead of enabling.
Maintaining Firm Boundaries
We already talked about boundaries and the different types of boundaries that you and your loved one may set, but how do you maintain them?
After you’ve set a boundary, make sure that you follow through with it. Try not to think of the consequences of boundary-breaking as punishments. You’re not punishing your loved one; you’re protecting yourself.
Establish the consequences of breaking boundaries. You may stop engaging with your loved one, take time away, or even sever your relationship (even temporarily) in serious cases.
This will feel cruel, but try to overcome that feeling.
Having Honest Conversations
It’s easy to get upset when you’re talking with your loved one about their behavior during recovery, but do your best to have honest and open conversations instead of angry ones.
Avoid acting judgmental or patronizing. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to talk about your feelings and how the situation is affecting you.
You want to create a healthy and open environment where your loved one is comfortable coming to you with their thoughts.
Offering Help Without Pushing
It’s great that you want to help your loved one through their journey! Make sure that you don’t push them during your efforts.
If they’re already receiving treatment or counseling, do your best to avoid adding your input. While not every counselor is going to be a good match for every person in recovery, your loved one has autonomy. They deserve to make their own decisions.
If you’re worried about something regarding their recovery, bring it up and offer help. If they reject it, let it rest for the time being.
Addiction Recovery Is Hard, But Your Support Makes It Easier
If your loved one is in or approaching addiction recovery, you should be proud of them. While it’s a rocky and emotional road, they’ve taken a great first step.
Support them through this process, but be careful not to enmesh yourself or enable bad behavior. While it might not seem this way at the time, it will help your loved one recover and help you maintain your peace of mind.
For more helpful posts about health and more, visit the rest of our site.
Do you have someone in your life who is addicted to drugs or alcohol? Supporting someone who’s either starting, approaching, or working through addiction recovery isn’t always easy. It’s tempting to fall back into the habit of enabling them instead.
Many people enable because they don’t recognize the difference between enabling and supporting a loved one. Because this is an experience that many people are having for the first time, they don’t have the background information to prepare them.
We’re here to offer some advice. Keep reading to learn all about the differences between enabling and supporting so you can help a loved one start to heal on their recovery journey.
What Is Enabling?
Enabling is tricky. When you enable a recovering addict, you let them know that their recovery may not be important because their previous behavior is acceptable.
You might not notice that you’re doing it. After all, enabling your loved one feels like showing them love and unconditional acceptance. In this case, acceptance has to be conditional in order to allow your loved one to heal.
Here are a few examples of enabling that might feel like supporting.
Ignoring or Betraying Boundaries
Many people aren’t aware of the importance of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t there to restrict your loved one. They exist to teach your loved one how you deserve to be treated.
Everyone has different boundaries. When it comes to a recovering addict, your boundaries may include not allowing drugs or alcohol inside the home, not engaging with your loved one when they’re under the influence, or not accepting bad or harmful behavior that they direct toward you.
Your loved one may also have boundaries. They may include not wanting you to use drugs or alcohol around them or not wanting you to patronize them through their recovery.
When you ignore your boundaries or betray your loved one’s boundaries, you’re harming rather than helping.
Becoming Enmeshed
One of the results of poor boundaries is enmeshment. When you’re enmeshed, it means that you’re so involved with the addict’s life that it becomes impossible to separate yourself and your needs from theirs.
Enmeshment results in codependency. You may find yourself feeling upset when they’re upset, causing you to further enable them to clear the tension.
Hyper-Focusing on Their Recovery
It’s good to pay attention to your loved one’s recovery (after all, that’s part of supporting them). That said, if you’re not focusing on yourself as well, you’re not helping.
Learning how to take care of yourself while you’re also taking care of them (on some level) is key. Remember, they’re responsible for themself. If you shoulder all of that responsibility instead, who’s taking care of you?
Take time away by yourself from time to time. Consider seeing a therapist or going to group support meetings for people with loved ones who are addicted to drugs or alcohol.
The better you take care of yourself, the better you’ll be able to offer support to someone else.
What Is Supporting?
As we mentioned, supporting a loved one and enabling a loved one often feel the same. Learning how to be supportive, however, will be good for both you and the recovering addict.
Support can often feel like creating limitations for your loved one, but in reality, you’re adding to their framework for their recovery. You’re showing them that you want them to get better even if it makes both of you uncomfortable.
Here are a few examples of behavior that’s supportive instead of enabling.
Maintaining Firm Boundaries
We already talked about boundaries and the different types of boundaries that you and your loved one may set, but how do you maintain them?
After you’ve set a boundary, make sure that you follow through with it. Try not to think of the consequences of boundary-breaking as punishments. You’re not punishing your loved one; you’re protecting yourself.
Establish the consequences of breaking boundaries. You may stop engaging with your loved one, take time away, or even sever your relationship (even temporarily) in serious cases.
This will feel cruel, but try to overcome that feeling.
Having Honest Conversations
It’s easy to get upset when you’re talking with your loved one about their behavior during recovery, but do your best to have honest and open conversations instead of angry ones.
Avoid acting judgmental or patronizing. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to talk about your feelings and how the situation is affecting you.
You want to create a healthy and open environment where your loved one is comfortable coming to you with their thoughts.
Offering Help Without Pushing
It’s great that you want to help your loved ones through their journey! Make sure that you don’t push them during your efforts.
If they’re already receiving treatment or counseling, do your best to avoid adding your input. While not every counselor is going to be a good match for every person in recovery, your loved one has autonomy. They deserve to make their own decisions.
If you’re worried about something regarding their recovery, bring it up and offer help. If they reject it, let it rest for the time being.
Addiction Recovery Is Hard, But Your Support Makes It Easier
If your loved one is in or approaching addiction recovery, you should be proud of them. While it’s a rocky and emotional road, they’ve taken a great first step.
Support them through this process, but be careful not to enmesh yourself or enable bad behavior. While it might not seem this way at the time, it will help your loved one recover and help you maintain your peace of mind.
For more helpful posts about health and more, visit the rest of our site.
